Yesterday I popped down to Trader Joe’s because sometimes a girl just needs some retail therapy.

In my wanderings I came across three new flavors of salty crunchies (chips, crackers, pretzels, crisps) that I absolutely had to try:

• ‘Sweet Onion Style Pretzel Twists’
• ‘Spicy Cheese Crunchies’
• ‘Thai-Style Yellow Curry Flavored potato chips’

I write here today to tell you that I am unable to recommend any of them.

I’ll start with the best of the bunch – the ‘Sweet Onion Style Pretzel Twists.’

I was thrilled when I saw these. I am a fiend for anything covered in onion powder. Unfortunately, in this case, the delicious onion powder (always doing great work) was not enough to make the pretzel itself taste good. It tasted stale and processed. The bite of it was not so much a crunch, but a gnaw, if you know what I mean. 7/10

* Some of my favorite crunchy onion snacks include, but are not limited to:

• Deep River Run Maui Onion Kettle Chips;
• Route 11 Sour Cream and Chive Kettle Chips – a Virginia-based company!
• IWON Organics Onion Protein Puffs – healthy, but weirdly delicious;
• Vidalia Brands Vidalia Sweet Onion Petals
• Chung Hasiang scallion soda crackers– I have only ever seen these at Asian markets- they are basically saltines with scallion rings baked into them. So good;
• Classic Funyuns- the original diva;
• Sour Cream and Onion Pringles pre-2008;
• French’s Fried Onions (not just for Thanksgiving casseroles anymore);
• Honorable Mention: I’ve currently been on my own personal journey to acquire a bag of Zapp’s Sweet Creole Onion kettle chips since their abrupt discontinuation. These chips had it all – crunch, salt, just enough oil, and that sweet, sweet onion. I really don’t ask for much.

Please send any and all recommendations!

One last thing I’ll say about the onion of it all is: Trader Joe’s is capable of doing onion right- they once had a French Onion popcorn I couldn’t get enough of and their Crispy Onion Chips that are straight dehydrated onion petals melt in your mouth. I’m also obsessed with their Onion Salt, which is very similar to my favorite spice blend from Penzey’s, Fox Point. I highly recommend putting these on everything but especially sautéed veggies with a little dash of dill pickle juice. Trust me.

Here they are together:

Back to the haul-

The ‘Spicy Cheese Crunchies’ did not hit. They too tasted stale and there was no ‘spicy’- perhaps ‘smoky’ or ‘sour’ would be more apt. In the words of one of my friends “Are these diet?” (to my knowledge they are not). If you’re really craving something like this, just grab yourself a bag of Hot Fries for 99 cents from the 711. 3/10

Finally, we get to the ‘Thai Style Yellow Curry Flavored Potato Chips’ (a mouthful!). These could have been good- and some have even argued that they are. I would have preferred them to be a kettle chip as opposed to just a half-assed Lay (someone on reddit referred to them as ‘powdery’ which is spot on) but they were certainly edible. 6/10

All in all not the most successful haul in terms of finding a new exciting snack but sometimes it’s important to know what you don’t want. Luckily I was able to pass many of the chips off on my friends and coworkers- with the exception of the pretzels that didn’t survive the journey- RIP.